THE LAND CONSISTS OF AN ARID PLAIN OF
LAVA THE COLOR OF COAL THAT EXTENDS IN
ALL DIRECTIONS. 

YOU GAPE IN AWE AT A MONUMENTAL PALACE
MADE ENTIRELY OF MIRRORS, SAVE FOR A 
SMALL METAL DOOR ON THE EAST SIDE.

MOVE EAST.

YOU ARE INSIDE A SMALL ROOM WITH STAIRS
LEADING UP AND DOWN. METAL DOORS ARE TO
THE EAST AND WEST.

MOVE WEST.

YOU ARE IN A LARGE ROOM WITH A FLOOR OF
POLISHED STONE. A LARGE COUNTER OF 
INLAID WODDEN PANELS IS NEAR THE NORTH 
END OF THE ROOM.

A METAL DOOR IS TO THE EAST.

(98 words)

Ok, the Adventure begins! The barbarian 
finds himself in a world he doesn't 
understand. Everything is described based
on his primitive knowledge. Thus, asphalt 
is BLACK LAVA. Since the dungeons he is 
used to visiting are cold, grey edifices 
of stone, the sight of a 20th century glass
office building leaves him awestruck.

Not only is this idea maintained throughout
all the stories, but the chosen statewords
often enhance this theme.

"Appropriateness of the words and the sense
in which they are used" indeed.

YOU ARE STANDING NEAR THE INLAID 
WOODEN COUNTER. A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN 
IS BEHIND THE COUNTER OPERATING A COIN
TALLYING MACHINE.

IT WOULD APPEAR THAT THERE IS MORE 
MONEY IN THAT CLOTH SACK THAN YOU’VE 
BEEN ABLE TO SCRIMP TOGETHER IN THE 
DECADE YOU’VE BEEN ADVENTURING!

SMILE.

TELLER GROWLS AT YOU.

TELLER ATTACKS CONAN. A HIT.
CONAN IS IN PAIN.

ATTACK TELLER. A HIT. 
TELLER IS DEAD.

YOU SEE A CLOTH SACK CONTAINING MANY 
COPPER COINS FRESH FROM THE MINT.

GET ALL.

DEAD TELLER IS TOO HEAVY.
PENNIES TAKEN.

(89 words)

Typical adventure game stuff. You meet 
characters. If they are unfriendly, you 
fight them. If they are friendly, they'll 
follow you around. Seems obvious.

Note the wit here. The barbarian thinks
he's seeing a fabulous treasure. But it's
just a nearly worthless sack of pennies.
As a stranger in a strange land, he cannot
distinguish treasure from trash.

As game players all know, the weight of trash
counts against how many artifacts the player
can carry. First objective is to survive,
second objective is to get rich.

But the dungeon designer is not a dick.
He tries to be witty by giving the artifacts
names that the player will understand even 
if his character doesn't.

Thus, when he sees PENNIES TAKEN, that's a
clue that this artifact is heavy and not
very valuable

THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH MACHINES WITH 
BLINKING LIGHTS. THE AIR IS COLD, DRY
AND CLEAN, FREE OF THAT TOBACCO MIASMA
THAT PERVADES THE REST OF THE PALACE.

ON A DESK YOU SEE THE OBJECT OF YOUR 
QUEST: THE PASCAL SOURCE CODE. THIS
ORDEAL MAY PAY OFF YET.

ONE MACHINE, LABELED “MODEMS”, IS DARK
AND PULLED AWAY FROM THE WALL TRAILING
A COIL OF WIRE. FROM BEHIND IT STEPS
A BEARDED MAN CARRYING A WEAPON THAT 
MAKES LEAD RUN LIKE WATER!

ATTACK ENGINEER. A HIT.
ENGINEER IS DEAD.

GET ALL.

SOLDERING IRON TAKEN.
PRINTOUT TAKEN.
DEAD ENGINEER IS TOO HEAVY.

(100 words)

Doesn't anyone remember the days before 
anti-smoking laws when the only place you
could escape from the smokers was the 
computer room? Does the use of MIASMA
look forced here or is it just about the
most appropriate usage of a stateword you
can find?

And PASCAL SOURCE CODE. Originally it was
floppy disks. Got in a couple statewords
without deviating from the original story.

And no, not violating the stranger in a 
strange land theme. The player is 
specifically told at the start of the 
adventure what it is he needs to bring back.

I always had a fondness for this room, having
once been a bearded guy wielding a weapon that
makes lead run like water.

ALARMS BLARING, YOU NEED TO DECODE THE 
DOOR LOCK BEFORE THE PALACE DEMONS 
ARRIVE!

AN APPEAL TO THE GODS COULDN’T HURT.

SAY “POWER”.

A BOLT OF LIGHTNING LEAPS FROM A PLATE
NEAR THE FLOOR STRIKING YOU! YOU FEEL
NUMB ALL OVER.

YOU ANGRILY MAKE A MENTAL MEMO TO 
COMPLAIN TO THE WIZARD WHO SOLD YOU 
THAT SPELL (IF YOU MAKE IT BACK TO THE 
MAIN HALL).

THE DOOR CRACK SUDDENLY WIDENS REVEALING
A WINDOWLESS ROOM. ONCE INSIDE, THE DOOR
CLOSES AND YOU FEEL VIBRATION, AS IF IN 
MOTION. THE DOOR OPENS ONTO WHAT WOULD 
APPEAR TO BE A DIFFERENT PASSAGEWAY.

(100 words)

It was intended that the DOOR LOCK is obviously
simply the up/down buttons for the elevator.

Normally, the POWER spell would be understood by
the player. Wouldn't expect everyone to know that,
so it's explained (giving me the opportunity to
use some more statewords).

THE ROOM IS VACANT. YOU SEE A LARGE 
WOODEN TABLE NEARLY AS LONG AS THE 
ROOM ITSELF. ON THE TABLE HAVE BEEN 
LAID MANY EXQUISITE CRYSTAL BOWLS 
AND A COUPLE OF FLASKS OF CLEAR LIQUID.

GET ALL.

TABLE IS TOO HEAVY.
ASHTRAYS TAKEN.
PITCHERS TAKEN.

DRINK PITCHERS.
DRAT, JUST WATER, NOT WINE.

MOVE NORTH.

YOU ARE IN THE EAST TO WEST PASSAGEWAY.

MOVE NORTH.

YOU ARE IN A SMALL ROOM CONTAINING A 
LARGE DESK. A FLORAL CANVAS (PROBABLY 
VALUABLE) IS PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED ON 
THE WALL.

THERE IS A WIDE SET OF DOUBLE DOORS TO 
THE EAST.

(96 words)

EXQUISITE CRYSTAL BOWLS = ASHTRAYS

Ok, not the funniest one. Unfortuneately,
the funniest one didn't get used as I didn't
include the room containing a box of many
scrolls (TOILET PAPER).

And the FLORAL CANVAS wasn't just thrown 
in to pad out the statewords. The dungeon
designeer is giving a strong hint to the
player that he should take this large, 
heavy object. Doesn't matter whether it's 
too heavy to carry, taking it off the wall
reveals the wall safe which the player must
open to successfully complete his quest.

But you could have guessed that, right?

BEHIND THE DESK SITS A SKINNY, RAVEN 
HAIRED BEAUTY IN A TIGHT DRESS.

SMILE.

SECRETARY SMILES BACK.

SAY “HEY, MAMA, WANT TO COME WITH ME TO 
THE LOCAL CANTINAS TO REFILL MY 
WINESKIN WITH MESCAL?”

SECRETARY SAYS “I JUST LOVE A HUNK WHOSE
LAMBSKIN JERKIN SHOWS OFF HIS PECTORAL
ENDOWMENTS. YOU MUST BE ONE BAD DUDE, 
PAPA! HOW ABOUT A LITTLE ORAL THERAPY
FOR THAT SCAR ON YOUR LIP?”

KISS SECRETARY.

THE NUMB FEELING IN YOUR EXTREMITIES
ABRUPTLY FADES AS YOUR AGILITY REACHES
A NEW PEAK.

(86 words)

Originally, the Secretary was a blonde. But in
keeping to the goal of "appropriateness of words",
she was changed to Hispanic since CANTINAS and 
MESCAL are used here (and later, we find out her
name is VICTORIA). 

And that last sentence - know what I mean, 
nudge, nudge?

AT THAT MOMENT, THE DOUBLE DOORS FLY 
OPEN AND AN OLD MAN IN WIZARD RAIMENTS
STEPS INTO THE ROOM.

WIZARD SAYS “SO, MCFENNY THE BANKER HAS
SENT ANOTHER VANDAL TO INVADE MY LAND! 
YOU’LL LAMENT THE DAY YOU SIGNED THAT 
PACT. STEP ASIDE VICTORIA, HIS ARMAMENT
AND MAIL ARE NO MATCH FOR MY MAGIC.”

SECRETARY ATTACKS WIZARD. A HIT.
WIZARD IS DEAD.

FROM A CONCEALED FLAP INSIDE HIS CAPE,
A SILVER KEY IS DISLODGED.

GET ALL.
DEAD WIZARD IS TOO HEAVY.
SILVER KEY TAKEN.
FLORAL CANVAS TAKEN.
MAGIC WAND TAKEN.

(90 words)

In the actual game, the Secretary (who fell
in love with the barbarian in the previous 
entry, nudge, nudge) really does catch the
wizard unawares and coldcocks him from behind
with her purse (containing a roll of nickels).
Usually, the wizard doesn't die since the 
monster weapons are generally not that good.
But we need to get past this, not enough
words for a long battle.

And the FLAP in the CAPE isn't just stateword
padding. Often, artifacts needed to solve the 
quest are carried by monsters that must be 
killed to make them drop them.

YOU COME OUT THE DOOR ONTO THE PALACE 
ROOF. IN THE NEAR CORNER SITS A HUGE 
MACHINE AKIN TO A SCARAB.

A MAN APPROACHES. MIRRORS MASK HIS EYES 
GIVING NO HINT OF INTENTION.

SUDDENLY, THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASH AND A
PEAL OF THUNDER!

PILOT ATTACKS CONAN. A HIT.
CONAN IS VERY BADLY INJURED.

SECRETARY FLEES OUT AN EXIT.

ATTACK PILOT. A HIT.
PILOT IS IN PAIN.

PILOT ATTACKS CONAN. A HIT.
CONAN IS AT DEATH’S DOOR, KNOCKING 
LOUDLY.

DRINK VIAL. SOME OF YOUR WOUNDS CLEAR 
UP.

PILOT ATTACKS CONAN. A MISS.

FLEE.

CONAN FLEES OUT AN EXIT.

(98 words)

Although most weapons the player finds aren't
much good, it's common for the dungeon designer 
to reward the player with at least one weapon
that's better than anything he can buy back
at the Main Hall (it encourages the players
to come back to your game even after they 
figure it out). But you have to get it away 
from the monster that's carrying it.

And isn't it obvious that the way to escape
an enemy you can't defeat is to flee?

LIKE A CONDOR ON COCAIN, YOU FLAP YOUR
ARMS WILDLY IN THE EXHILERATING RUSH
OF WIND.

ALAS, THE AERIAL BALLET IS SHORT LIVED 
AS YOUR FALL FROM THE ROOF IS ABRUPTLY
INTERRUPTED BY THE PLAIN OF INKY LAVA
SURROUNDING THE PALACE.

CONAN IS DEAD.

GAME OVER.

(46 words)

Of course, the dungeon designer has anticipated
this. I mean what do you expect would happen if
you turned and ran in a random direction while 
standing on a roof? The player has one chance 
in four of making it back to the stairwell safely
(and if the Secretary isn't there waiting, then
she wasn't lucky).

CONAN wasn't lucky.